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When Hello Meant Goodbye |
 Excitement reigned in our home as we realized there was
another addition to our family on its way. The nursery was a bustle of
activity. It was time to change the wall paper and fix up the crib for a
new baby. This little room was the closest to the master bedroom. Our
three little boys were placed in a room down stairs and changes began to
happen in this little room. Maybe this one would be our little girl.
Whenever I was in town on an errand, I went over to the baby things and looked at the baby clothes. I touched the little velvet dresses and wondered if the little one inside me was a little girl. More important to me was that baby would be healthy and strong. |
 At
home, I rocked in the rocking chair and sang to the little one growing
inside me. We had a special music tape of lullabies that we played often.
The ultrasound picture showed a baby much smaller than the dates. Anxiety
gripped me as I was very positive on my dates. They tried to sooth my
worries by stating I must be mistaken. There was a lump in my throat as I
went about my daily duties at my office. This nagging feeling grew and it
was recommended due to my age, I should have an amniocentesis and a
chromosome study. I knew they were right. Yet that night as I
thought about the complications, I feared the needle would harm baby in
some way. My anxiety level was extremely high.
As I lay there on the table watching the picture of the baby, it looked like it was waving. The procedure was done safely a far as we could tell. I went home to rest and await the results of the test. |
 While
I was in my bed, I suddenly had much pain. I started having contractions.
I knew I was giving birth. Baby was too small to survive. He was born dead
right there in my bedroom. As I held him, I saw that the poor little boy
had defects. His feet and hands looked good but his head was deformed. He
was four months but very small for that age. It was in mercy
that he did not survive. I was alarmed at how weak I was beginning to
feel. I could not stop bleeding. We called my doctor and she asked us to
meet her in the office. Ron took the three little boys to park the van but
left me at the front door to go on up three floors to the office. I was so
dizzy, a little lady with a cane felt she could help me. Together we
struggled up to the office. My blood pressure dropped, my tongue felt so
thick, I knew I was dying. Alarmed, my doctor called over to emergency
surgery and had me transported quickly. I did not have time to mourn my
loss. After surgery a chaplain came by and left a book called "When
Hello means Goodbye". After about two days rest in my bed, reality
hit me. I had no baby for all I had been through. I began to weep for my
baby. I found and read the little book over and over. I went through
anger, I went through all the stages of grief. I saw in this book it was
good to name the baby. I discovered there is a great variety of ways
mothers deal with such a loss and they are normal. My body felt like a
truck had run over it. My heart felt broken. How could I go on? Everything
looked so dark to me. I camped in the Bible in the book of Job, Psalms,
and Isaiah.
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 Psalm
23: Yes, even when I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will
fear no evil, for You are with me.
In my darkest days, it seemed I was in a dark valley. The joy of the mountain top was gone from me. My whole body ached. But you know what? Jesus was with me. He brought me Roses and soothed my broken heart. I found more roses in my valley. The roses I found were promises of God. They bring healing like no words of any human on earth can do. There is power in the WORD of God. He spoke the world into existence. He healed me.
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Blessed be the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." 2Cor. 1:3
Roses
in our Valleys
In
our valleys of loss we tend not to see, In
our path are blossoms of hope Designed
to give our hearts peace. Through
tears we see only broken dreams, For
the petals of our very souls are crushed, Yet
heaven’s hand makes a fragrance it seems. In
each comfort is a ROSE, A
gift from heaven’s garden. Thus
the perfume in the valley grows. by
Dr. Rose,
2001
Cedars Like the Cedars of Lebanon Our roots reach into the earth for the Living Water. Every tough storm this year has threatened our trees Yet our roots are firmly in the ROCK Jesus. More roots have gone down this year due to stress of hurricane size
trials. These are safety roots for future crisis. Just like the tree planted by the waters, By God’s grace, I shall not be moved. Without the Living Water our trees could not Still be standing
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  During
those first 10 days after surgery, I accidentally ran over the puppy with
the car and it died. My oldest son was in agony of heart over that. Next,
the second son fed little Kyle an alkaloid corrosive (toilet bowl cleaner)
as a "cookie". Poison control center suggested he be watched
closely and not made to vomit. He made it through this emergency.
Then my oldest son fell head first off the top bunk bed onto a cement
floor and went unconscious for a short time. We were at a family reunion
on my husband's side. My husband, an emergency room doctor was the first
one at his side waiting for him to catch his breath and do whatever he
could for his boy. There was such deep concern in his daddy's face. I held
his hands and waited anxiously for him to breathe. Seconds seemed like
hours. We hurried home incase he might need more medical attention. We
watched him so closely and the next day or two he began vomiting. I took
him in for a cat scan praying the whole time. The results were
encouraging. He was perfectly normal. I felt like Job with all my
children's lives threatened in a 10 day period. It seemed Satan was trying
to crush all the hope out of us. (My close scrape with death, emergency
surgery, baby Jerry's death, puppies death, and two little boys eating
poison "cookies" all in 10 days time was enough to crush out my
hope.) |
| About 10 days later the chromosome results were
finished. It was found that baby Jerry had a trisomy 18 defect. He
probably had many defects such as a heart defect which would have made it
very hard to survive. The predicted outcome is death in the
first two to three years of life anyway depending on how severe the
chromosome defect.
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| Do you ever feel like everything has gone wrong in your
life and there is no hope or purpose left? Have you felt like God has left
you and no one loves you?
It is in our darkest sorrow and pain that He is the closest. He wants us to look up to Him for our comfort. We cannot see Him but we can call to Him for help. If you start listing the ways He has shown you comfort, you will notice you had no reason to think no one loved you. God always has. (Zephaniah 3:17) |
 I
was able to get the pathologist to give me back my dead baby so I could
have a little funeral for him. I dried the flowers given to comfort me and
kept them in a little box of treasures. I wrote poetry and recorded every
promise which brought me hope. I named him and asked God to remember to
bring him to me at the resurrection and I would be faithful to obey so I
could see my baby again. This helped me say good bye.
Another thing I do is each year preferably at the time of his birthday, I ask God to give me a chance to go out to some country and hold Bible lesson meetings for children. As they pour into the meeting place, I pour out my love on them. This last year we were scheduled to go into India. It was the first birthday of Jerry I was disappointed for the war on Afghanistan cancelled my trip plans. I am praying God will give me two chances this next year. I love to take gifts of Bibles, lessons, crayons for coloring lessons, and other items to give. This is great therapy. It really makes me feel good to hug many other children since I can't hug my Jerry. |
 Our
lives here on this earth may be full of broken dreams and hopes. With sore
and breaking hearts, we have all the hope crushed out of us.
Sometimes we feel angry at God for not answering our prayers the way we wanted Him to. There are no tears shed that God does not notice. (Steps To Christ p. 42) |
  During
my agony, I found a part of God's heart I had never seen before. He gave
me room to feel angry, to cry, and He loved me anyway. I know He cries
when we do. He is very sympathetic to our pain. In my emptiness and aching
arms, He placed His treasure of hope. He is good at wiping tears away! He gave me promises that brought me
healing. I treasured up every promise that helped so I could share with
others in their losses. He called me in a dream to go to thousands
and bring them the hope HE HAD GIVEN ME. Now I pray that I can
reach to the world to bring them hope. This is my therapy. This is my
privilege. |
 I
look forward to that great fantastic day when Jesus will come in the sky
and wake up baby Jerry. He will be brought to me perfect. There is nothing
too hard for the CREATOR of the universe. God could even return this
little baby to grow inside of me finishing the normal process and be born
in heaven. God will do what is best but He will give baby Jerry back to
me, if I am faithful. I am determined to dedicate my time, money and love
to Him and to sharing the Bible truths with the world. May Jesus come
soon.
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 In
the following collection of Scriptures I
found comfort and hope in my grief. |
 "He
heals the broken hearted." Psalms 147:3
Speaking of the future joys of heaven of the lion and lamb and the little child leading them, Isaiah says, "The nursing child shall play by the cobra's hole". ( My little Jerry will nurse from me and play in heaven even near the hole of a cobra and not be harmed.) Isaiah 12:8 "No more shall be heard the sound of weeping and the cry of distress. No more shall there be an infant that lives but a few days." Isaiah 56: 19,20
"When the trumpet sounds, the dead will be raised, never to die again, and we shall all be changed." I Cor. 15:52 I found great comfort knowing Jerry was not suffering or watching his family suffer. For I found the promise: "The dead know not anything" Ecclesiastes 9: 5 & 6.
John the Revelator repeats this hopeful text of Isaiah in Revelation 21:4. "And there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying." Rev. 21:4
The living righteous are changed "in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye." At the voice of God they were glorified; now they are made immortal and with the risen saints are caught up to meet their Lord in the air. Angels "gather together His elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other." Little children are borne by holy angels to their mothers' arms. Friends long separated by death are united, nevermore to part, and with songs of gladness ascend together to the City of God. {CG 566.3} "All things work together for good to them that love God (Romans 8:28) Could your eyes be opened, you would see your heavenly Father bending over you in love; and could you hear His voice, it would be in tones of compassion to you who are prostrate with suffering and affliction. Stand fast in His strength; there is rest for you." (IHP 272) In Heavenly Places , written by Ellen White to a father bereaved of his only daughter.
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 When my empty arms and physical exhaustion made me feel too
washed out to tend to the needs of my family, I found comfort in these
texts:
"I will carry you...I will deliver you." Isaiah 46:4
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you." Isaiah 43:2
"Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you." John 14:27 "You will keep him in PERFECT PEACE, whose mind is stayed on You." Isaiah 26:3 "I will never leave you or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 The God of love and peace will be with you." 2 Cor. 13:11 "The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7 "Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31 "The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms." Is. 40:31 He comes to help when we need Him: "The eternal God is your dwelling place and His everlasting arms will hold you up forever." Deut. 33:26 & 27. "He will quiet you in His love." Zephaniah 3:17 God has provided a balm (soothing ointment) for every wound"(2SM 273, 274)Selected Messages vol. 2, by Ellen White
"Our fondest hopes are often blighted here. Our loved ones are torn from us by death. We close their eyes and habit them for the tomb, and lay them away from our sight. But hope bears our spirits up. We are not parted forever, but shall meet the loved ones who sleep in Jesus...The Life-giver is coming. Myriads of holy angels escort Him on His way. He bursts the bands of death, breaks the fetters of the tomb, the precious captives come forth in health and immortal beauty." 2SM 259 and 260. In the thick of my grief, I wondered if life would ever be normal again. "Your days of grief will come to an end." Isaiah 60:20 Perfect blossoms which mature amidst clouds, disappointments and bereavements are these: Faith, Patience, Trust, Heavenly Mindedness, Forbearance (willingness to forgive). Letter 1, 1885 by Ellen White. Suffering brings a mellowing and grooming for being able to minister better to the needs of others.
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I
praise God for the comfort He has given during my losses. Flowers, hugs,
food, and house work help as well as child care were provided to me during
my suffering. People were God's hands and arms to me.
I
started back to work but was not emotionally well enough to handle the
problems of others. It was such a heavy load for me. Friends came with
gifts, flowers, and things for my three boys. They were God's arms for me.
Every hug I received took some of the pain away. No one could say anything
that really helped. Many said the wrong thing but they tried anyway. I
forgave them and believed they were brave to try to comfort me. So many
times I had felt sorry for others but never said anything for I was afraid
to say the wrong thing. It is my experience now that silence is fine
and
just being there is a comfort. Flowers and hugs really helped.
Nights were the worst time when my little boys were in bed asleep and I
had time to think. 
Finally,
by three months I noticed that the trees had all dropped their leaves. I
had not even seen the autumn leaves turn to gold. I had blanked it all
out. Now, it even sounded like birds had begun to sing again. The
worst of my grief was behind me. A big haunting fear gripped me that since
I had given birth to an abnormal child, I must have done something which
caused it. I was assured there are no known causes for this. In spite of
my being educated as a doctor, my mother heart had to deal with this issue
known to all loving caring mothers. What had I done? Would I ever at the
age of 38 have a chance to have a normal child again? I worried that the
fourth place we wanted to fill in our family should be left empty.
I
found peace in the promised resurrection when Jerry will be given life
again. "All that are in the grave will hear God's voice and come
forth." John 5:28 & 29. "The dead in Christ will rise
first." 1 Thessalonians 4:16
"And
the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces." (Isaiah 25:8)
God
will not forget little Jerry. He has so many others to think of on that
great resurrection morning. "I will not forget you. I have graven you
on the palms of my hands." Isaiah 49:16
"As
a mother comforts, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13
"Be
of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart." Psalms 27:14
"Lead
on Me, lean hard. I will bear you up. My arm will never fail you. It shall
be strong to support you over all the rough and difficult places. Only
make Me your trust and you shall be guided safely and upheld firmly."
2SM 260
Secure
in this hope we share these precious promises for there are thousands who
need this comfort. We resolve to walk in the Christian way, no matter come
what may. We know that when Jesus comes, the dead will be raised never to
die again. We will be together and enjoy the surprises and delights of
heaven.